More than just a Name
by snowylavendermist
Summary: Jaffar, naff-off the celebrity stage. Lucius was booted off, but we shall save you some face, for today, ladies and gentlemen, we have an exclusive guest. Karel, the perfect, the strong and the ruthless is here with us today, dead or alive. Lights out!
1. Chapter 1

Lucius

Lucius. The light. He is everywhere, anywhere, and makes his presence felt wherever he is.

He exists long before any other person or creature, and played an important role in the molding of the world. Thus, through scientific calculations, he is, approximately, 5000 million years old.

With such a heavy burden of age, Lucius devises upon various strategies to combat old age. He converts some of the hydrogen and helium within him into energy, which radiates through his skin, allowing him to attain a luminous effect on his perfect skin, of which the spots and wrinkles have been eradicated by the numerous tiny nuclear reactions taking place under his skin. The heat energy generated also helps to relax the skin and muscles with a little aromatherapy provided by Serra, toning them down from glaring laser beams to soft warm rays. Ladies of all ages are strongly encouraged to follow his example. In fact, Lucius' skin is so perfect that any weapon coming in contact with his skin will bounce off with, as thought it is encountered a trampoline, with a "bong" sound.

Many people claim that Lucius dons a monk robe and nothing else. That has been proven to be very true. After interviewing, bullying, harassing, cajoling, threatening and honeying and other dark and gloomy methods, Lucius has confessed that his only clothing is the monk robes. His given explanation is as follows:

"Due to the enormous amount of nuclear activity and nuclear energy generated within me, atomic particles vibrate with an uneven frequency when they are in contact with the molecules of my skin. Thus, I have to wear as loosely and as little as possible (within offending the number one law of being a monk) so as not to incur a rapid concussion of nuclear explosion on the skin level."

Many questions have also been raised about Lucius' gender, which appears to be indefinite. Our research scientists, Canas, Pent, and Erk, have all taken valuable samples of the Light and done generic testing by using Elfire to penetrate the cells, Gespenst to break open the cells and Canas' trademark monocle to examine the cells. Special thanks go out to Nergal in appreciation of his co-operation to die so as to facilitate the theft of Ereshkigal to soak the dried cells in alcohol. (To compensate, we, the kind-hearted people have laid Limstella and Ephidel dummies on his obscure tome on Valor Island.)

Research has shown that Lucius is male…generally. His cells are 96.545454… male with the traces of female traits. This explains Raven's unusual tender loving care which he showers upon Lucius, having no other female to direct it to besides his fellow sister. The theory our researchers have come up with is that Lucius' parentage is highly unique, since he was merely born from asexual reproduction. Though unconfirmed, it is believed that he was born from binary fission, thus explaining the extremely feminine look on his face.

We have also received many complaints regarding the Light. The Mage General of Etruria is puzzled over his amazingly high magic. The Guy of Kutolah, or the one and not-so-only Guy, has revealed murderous teeth in terms of the Light's high critical rate, which is obviously much higher than guy's meager 99.999…. Matthew, the sarcastic but still occasionally useful lame henchman of Ostia, has started to practice twirling his daggers due to Lucius' high speed.

Our reporter, Legault the Fang, has discovered some interesting snippets of gossip that have been shown assumed to be true about the famous Light. Lucius' inner temperature is approximately 15 million degrees Celcius. We apologise for the estimation, since the sugar thermometer found Lucius to be bitter on the inside and melted in despair. His high temperature is the reason why he has amazingly high magic and why he is sometimes flatteringly hot. His high critical rate has been discovered to be due to the nuclear fissions taking place within him. He has admitted to our reporter that he had cheated and killed Nergal using an Aureola-flavoured atomic bomb, which has caused immense discord and unrest from Nergal's very-much-alive-I-thank-you ghost. The Light's speed, in the meantime, is about 186000 miles per second, while Matthew's record was 186000 nano-miles per second.

Thus, the editor can sum up with just one comment: enjoy the secret and dark assassination of the light, coming up next on the next cartoon show. (Spoiler: the trio won't succeed. Hem, hem.)


	2. Chapter 2

**Jaffar-Angel of Death**

Jaffar…His name sends a chill down everyone's spines. Also known as the famous, or rather infamous angel of death, he creeps like a horror in everyone's dreams.

First, I will give a brief introduction to Jaffar. Born since the creation of the world, Jaffar is known throughout the centuries. Lurking around in the mist and darkness of hidden, untold-of corners of the world, the Angel of Death lies in wait of unsuspecting victims. His spiky dull red hair serves to camouflage him amongst the darkness, having not the ability to reflect light and brilliance. His deep, solemn gaze bores into the victim's eyes relentlessly, and all the while, his hands will be signaling, "I am watching you". Frightened out of their wits, the victims usually either faint, or try and run away on very shaky legs. (Our apologies for the probable inaccuracy of this statement, for the only two people we have manage to pull from the Angel of Death's misty charisma can only blabber this much. The rest seemed to have mysteriously disappeared. Hmm…I wonder where they went…any ideas, anyone?)

Besides his deadly glare, the Angel of Death has other deadly weapons, which you do not wish to come into contact with for that will be the last thing you do. Firstly, always avoid a direct head-on collision with the Angel of Death. No matter how much you like head butting, or how thick you think your skull is, (yes, I am addressing you, Hector of Ostia, so stop sleeping and pay attention this biographical lesson) do not ever touch Jaffar's head with any part of your bare body. This is because of the poisonous little stings, which Jaffar has on his head, apart from the menacing spikes themselves. Our wonderful researchers have studied the Angel of Death's hair composition and have been proud to conclude that the Angel of Death shares similar genes to the porcupine, stinging nettle, jellyfish, king cobra and many other poisonous gifts in the wild. The stinging nettle is solely responsible for the net of stinging hair on Jaffar's head. When the flesh is in contact with Jaffar's head, the pressure from the flesh causes the stings to break off and stab into the unfortunate victim's flesh, thereby releasing the poison stored within. This is soon followed by a spiritual experience of pain and then a spiritual release of the mind and soul from the poor poisoned body that should, by then, have stopped yelling in agony. Unfortunately, we have found out that shaving Jaffar does not work since the thorns regenerate as fast as the victim dies, which is, very fast.

WARNING: You do not wish to try this heavenly experience, trust me. It is too… eh… heavenly… yeah…

Next up, we would like to point out the generic similarity between the Angel of Death and a puffer fish. (Kids, referring to all of you under 4 years old, do not try this at home.) On a very random day, throw an apple at the Angel of Death with your eyes closed, then run away. Closing of the eyes is to prevent Jaffar from later using his hypnotic vision to murder you, and running away is plainly understandable, even for idiots and dummies. But never worry, run to a safe area where you have a good view of the Angel of Death and where everything is sunny and there is good ventilation. Don't worry about the apple; somehow, Jaffar has a way of attracting apples like how honey attracts flies; it will hit the target accurately most of the time. From your observatory, you should be able to see the Angel of Death puff up to the size of a fully inflated hot-air balloon. Being so full of air, he will defy the laws of gravity for several minutes and remain suspended above everything, dangling in the air and doing cartwheels in the atmosphere. Unfortunately, the spectacular scene can never last long since the Angel of Death is usually poked in the waist by his own daggers, which results in a puncture and a very injured and deflated Jaffar giving a stone glare at whoever that gave him the wound, which in this case, is his dagger.

And finally, the question everyone demands a politically correct answer: How do we rid ourselves of this Angel of Death? The answer is very simple. There are several ways to repel Jaffar. One of the ways is to hire Legault, our professional thief and assassin to murder the Angel of Death for a small fee of 6 billion gold. Of course, we do not recommend this method since we still want our lovely little cherub of an angel around, right? Also, the swindler Legault always manages to cheat us of our advertising fees and royalties. Another method is to smear the entire house using a mixture of silver paste, garlic and rosemary. This can manage to repel the Angel of Death 5 miles away, and is purchasable from our druid researcher at a thousand gold per half a kilogram. However, be warned, the Angel of Death might get immune to the smell and sight; and it is not good idea to smear it over yourself since you will be such a sight that we would like to invite you for a biographical lesson. Last of all, the least reliable but least costly method, scrawl over whatever possessions you have "Bounty hunter looking for Jaffar within". It is not bound to work, but at least it is very cheap.

Well, that is all we have for today. The editor herself is tired and needs a cup of coffee and brownie cakes. We shall always try and improve our performance and any comments, feel free to send an arrow or a pigeon over.

I solemnly promise to drag a Wo Dao here for the next talk. Of course, I hope that the person dangling on the Wo Dao does not kill me first. If not, I will personally move the pound of self-replenishing butter from the heart of Ostia here.

* * *

Next up, it will be either Karel or Hector.

I hope you enjoyed this one.

I wrote this on a passionate impulse.

Not that kind of passion.

After Karel and Hector, it will be Rebecca, Matthew, Lowen and many others...

Just an update.

Please review. Thank you!


	3. Chapter 3

**Karel-Sword Demon**

He has been an angel and a devil. But no, he is not a fallen shooting star. Romantics, I am speaking to your group! No, he is not a fabled samurai who jump from cliffs to the rescue of helpless young screaming damsels with a swish of his hair. No, he is not a hairier Hamlet, so all the Ophelias out there; continue to drown yourselves in despair. And no, neither is he Jaffar; so do not start having any ideas, Matthew Ostia.

He is, however, one of the most artistic and suave demons of all times. His name is but a whisper, but for everyone's sake today, I shall scream it out loud.

"Ladies and gentlemen and those who belong to neither category, please put your hands together to welcome the SWORD DEMON! KAREL!" (Cameras start flashing enthusiastically as the curtains part gracefully. "Ohh…ehh…everyone, it appears like we have a last-minute request from our distinguished person-in-question. Please put away all cameras and electronic devices that may interfere with our guest-of honour's echoes, for all he can hear now are click, click and click, which is bad, for usually, it signals that dinner is served…" (All cameras stop flashing instantly.)

Now, back to our introductions to this mysterious person. He is known as a demon, and indeed he is a demon. Very few people have ever seen how he looks like, for practically all of them die before they utter another syllable. However, our fearless reporter, in return for a bribe of 500 million gold, smeared himself all over with garlic and survived on a meager diet of garlic bread for three weeks, managed to take a close-up photograph of the Sword Demon. The first photograph of the Sword Demon in the history of demon kind is hot of the press and do remember to take a close look at it.

"Gentlemen, do hold on to your ladies, for this charismatic Sword Demon has been known to cause fainting symptoms amongst those of the female gender. Oh! I see that that lady there has fainted! What? Oh, right, it is the sister of the Sword Demon. Never mind…"

Ahem, we shall direct everyone's attention back to the famous Sword Demon here. Ladies and gentlemen, please examine the Sword Demon's perfect mouth. No, it is not a joke. Please examine his fabulous mouth, which I bet 500 million gold and four doughnuts that none of you have. The main attraction of the Sword Demon is in his mouth. If you take a close whiff at it, you can smell the aromatic scent of rust, stale water, iron and mould on top. Yes, it is a highly aromatic combination. Ladies, or those in between, who wish to purchase a bottle of this exclusive Sword Demon mouth-dribble scent, feel free to order from the Sword demon at the price of half a litre of blood per bottle. The secret behind maintaining the sweet scent is the Sword Demon's personal habits. After dinner, Karel, as observed by our reckless and greedy Black Fang reporter, partakes in a licking of the face. Standing over a bowl of mercury (remember that his reflection cannot appear on the normal mirrors), he licks his face with ultra-long and ultra-fat two-metre tongue and cleans the leftover blood from them. In that was, he puts perfume onto himself as a daily routine and without any of those troublesome little messy bottles that shatter at the break of a heart. Isn't it wonderful? Of course, those who wish to try, feel free to do so. But, but, but I recommend you, before doing anything else like licking the mirror instead of your face, purchase the two-metre extendable tongue powder. It is guaranteed to work. Made from a fine mixture of bear bones and iron shavings and bits and pieces from Marquess Hector's rent Wolf Beil, it leaves your tongue as swollen as new. We have pictures here painted by our blind painter Lowen, who carefully observed the tongues of screaming, kicking and thrashing volunteers who swallowed the powder very willingly under the threat of having no beer. And just look at their tongues, especially this one! It is from an Ostian berserker. And please ladies and gentlemen, study its gorgeous length. It is long enough to practically go around the world twice!

Oh right, sorry for the advertisements. Karel's tongue is also extremely interesting in the way that it has sharp thorns that are retractable. Do you remember our last guest, the Angel of Death, who had retractable hair? Yes, our new guest here has retractable tongue thorns. Our researchers have shown that Karel has received this trait from our dear assassin Matthew's pussycat, which is incidentally named Leila the Second. It is almost certain that he received the genes from it, which can only lead to one thing: that Karel had already taken Leila the Second's blood before and dyed it selectively for desired genes and implanted it into himself with the utmost sophistication of self-modification. Whoo hoo! What a demon! With his tongue, he licks up blood from wounds and pours them down into his throat. The good part is, he never gets HIV. Or rather, he has never heard of HIV so no one can accuse him of getting it.

Right, and last of all, his complexion is one fantastic aspect of him. He is always 100 percent snow white and….

Okay, sorry folks, Karel is hungry and needs to go hunt for prey. In fact, he is really hungry. So, I suggest that all of you clear off before he comes… Well, at least I'm offffff!! And stay tuned for our next guest: Hector the Butter!

* * *

Okay, this is short. I don't like it being this short. But I am running out of...AHHHH TIMMMEEEE OUTTTT!!

Sorry, I'm just trying to be wild.

Apparently the guidebook is rubbish.

But Hector will be up nevertheless, followed by our favourite tragic couple, the thief/assassin couple, Matthew and his girlfriend's ghost.


End file.
